I got her a Nickelback box set.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
