I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Randomize
