ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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