It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
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