so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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