Soap is not a condiment
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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