I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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