Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
