so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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