I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
