just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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