Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
I haven't been this sober since birth.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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