Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Randomize
