It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Randomize
