What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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