if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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