Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
