You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
