she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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