the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
