Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
