DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
