I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
