no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
