first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
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