I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
