i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
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I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
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There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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