i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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