All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
