Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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