yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize