So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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