I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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