no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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