my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
