i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Randomize
