i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
