tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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