my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Randomize
