Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Holy sore nipples Batman
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
