Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
3 2 1 whiskey
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Randomize
