just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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