dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
