Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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