Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Randomize
