We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
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