I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
