And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
