omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
