Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
