I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
