Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Randomize
