Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
