there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
