So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
