apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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