I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
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