her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
